These last two weeks has been undeniably difficult for me. Everything has been beyond out of my control - to the point where I have cycled through all of my emotions at least once over. And many, twice if not thrice over.
I am finding “buttons” or “triggers” continuously pressed and pulled. Even for the slightest inconvenience or whine let out by my littles. This (typically) calm and collected mother, wife, friend - has been replaced by a short tempered, fragile, and exhausted (more so than normal!) human being. I am a shell - completely empty from all I had to give.
It all began with one tough weekend. A regular event I attend for my business - The Conscious Crow - was a complete dud. This has followed a long line of duds throughout the summer. Causing me to question everything within myself. Am I wasting time, energy, commitment for a dream that ultimately will fail? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I keep my head above water?
Pictured here from a FUN & FANTASTIC fair. Definitely not a dud and was a good reminder of what I am capable of!
Of course, unbeknownst to me. My familiar, my big black cat, had another episode that day. Where he completely turned. We have fought redirected aggression with him before. Have tried medication, essential oils, pheromones, getting an expensive dental procedure, providing all of the space, and more to reduce the risk of his dangerous behavior. What had been only steered towards his littermate, had now turned to the people in my home. My family managed to get him to a quiet space where he could calm down. He eventually did and I had hope. Until the next morning when I had to stand between him and my toddler not knowing what he’d do next. That’s when I had to ultimately make one of the most heartbreaking decisions of my life. It was time to let him go. The racing thoughts of - did we do everything we could? Maybe there is another way? Is this even the right decision? What judgement am I receiving from this decision? Lacking trust in myself and the decision to ultimately put my human family first - which should really be a no brainer!
The day I put my familiar down was also a day where my son was being assessed to decide if he should be in another class within his preschool. Now, should this be so triggering? No, it really shouldn’t. However, the pressure to decide to put your child in kindergarten begins SIX months before they actually have to attend! And the pressure to make this HUGE academic career decision at FOUR is insane. He is a late July kid - and a boy - and in the eyes of many - should be held until six to enter kinder. This has been consistently on my mind since he was born. As we have been force fed studies, experiences, anecdotes on young boys entering kindergarten. So, the obvious experience I am having with my young child being assessed, and ultimately told no, has not been pleasant. I immediately fell into my own personal experiences of never being good enough, smart enough, or talented enough. I never want him to ever feel the way I felt. So here I am wracked with these inner voices of - Are we making the right decisions? What is the right decision? Again, here I am questioning myself, denying my own intuition the luxury of working.
Ultimately, we want to do what is best for him and I are not tied to an outcome - but we want to give opportunity where we can.
Editing to add this blurb:
As I was driving to pick up my son from preschool today - I went OH! Completely forgetting one of the biggest stressors of this last week was sitting in the ER with my husband and daughter because my daughter dislocated her elbow! (Nursemaids elbow!). No existential crisis there. Just good ol crisis management. Sitting there for six hours - knowing something is wrong - but unable to do anything. Fortunately, it turned out to be an easy fix - well after watching them place it three separate times! I am just glad children do not remember anything from this age!
There are more details to all of the above - but keeping it short(ish). That’s not the point of the blog today. But more so providing some clarity to my surrounding anguish. As I have been stewing in my own self deprecating and self alienating - I have two choices.
A) Sit in anguish and be miserable.
B) Feel it - heal it - and make a plan.
And out of those two choices - I chose option C - Both. I sat in anxiety. I sat in sadness and grief. I sat in this extreme discomfort. And I am finally feeling my head come above water.
I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings. Uncovering each one. Where does it actually lie? Is it rooted in truth or trauma?
I found comfort within my family. Who allowed me to cry, vent, be angry, and ultimately help me make decisions.
I have made peace with my decisions and experiences - for this moment at least. And if you have gotten this far in today’s blog post…Congratulations! You get some insight to moving past the discomfort!
Moving through the triggers. More like dancing with your triggers.
When you are navigating this waltz - I want you to almost disassociate - only enough so you can observe without being critical!
You feel an immediate gut response - an uncomfortable one at that. You push it down, ignoring, until what was a harder trigger to pull only needs a tap to set off.
Immerse yourself in your feelings, your emotions, your experiences. Allow them to come forward rather than push them away. They are as much part of you as the hair on your head. Sometimes, it may help to write out and map where your thoughts go. Even if they are only one word trails.
You eventually find the root of your response and reactivity. It could be something as simple as a little kid on the playground called you four eyes - or as complex as your father providing you with no support but plenty of criticism. Whatever it is - it is yours - and it is valid.
Now, continue to dance with this for as long as you need to in order to feel comfortable with the steps. The more you are familiar with your steps - the easier it is to transition the steps to another trigger.
Perhaps you will begin to include new footwork in the form of affirmations, journaling, or meditating. Or perhaps you will put on new comfortable shoes in the form of providing opportunities to write over your experience. However you choose to heal from your triggers is yours and yours alone - you have the power to control the song on the radio and to correct the dance as you see fit.
Currently listening to Alexi Murdoch’s “Breathe” on repeat.
I know this was a big deal for you to write, so thank you for your vulnerability. It sounds like what you're outlining is the fine line between repression and equanimity. We don't want to shove the feelings into the crevices of our subconscious to emerge later as shadows, but reacting from a trigger is also a form of self-suffering.
Sometimes I'll find myself on the yoga mat wishing I could take back something I said or did in a stressful situation, so I'd be curious to know how one can use your healing modalities to lengthen the amount of time between trigger and reaction—just enough to detach and think before taking action.