Surrender
V. cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
Josephine Hardman asked her students a pertinent question this past week - and I am still working it out.
I joined her program to become a Certified Akashic Records Reader - and while it’s only been a few short weeks, I am already gaining a deeper connection to the records of not only myself but others.
But I digress - I’ll get to the Akashic Records in the next entry - but for now, I want to focus on the question at hand.
What does it mean to you to surrender to something?
I have been sitting with this question for most of the week now.
Surrendering is multifaceted. On the one hand - I see it has a form of quitting and giving up. On the other hand - I see it as relinquishing the power and control you have. Which that of course can go one of two ways - completely giving up your own personal power to another (even higher dimension) or releasing the control something has over you in order to remove the shackles of constraint. And then on a foot - I see it as fully trusting in yourself and in the process.
The lesson of surrendering has been following me much of this year - and I think I may be finally understanding what surrendering looks like for me.
When I went into my records for the first time since beginning this program I was provided a message and shown a memory from my childhood; one that still effects me to this day.
You are safe in this space.
I am being pushed on a swing - higher and higher than I desire to go - but I keep being pushed. I am screaming to stop but it feels like forever until I am able to stop. This vision made me very uncomfortable - despite knowing this is a part of my healing journey.
Just as this vision was ending I was launched in the sky and began freefalling. The ground never came - instead I continued to seemingly float.
I akin this to fully surrendering. Letting go of the fears. Letting go of the expectations and preconceived notions there may be. Fully trusting the process. Fully trusting in myself.
What is blocking me from fully surrendering?
I ask this question of myself (and Josephine also asked this) often lately. As I have embarked on a journey of building a business, enrolling in a rigorous certification program, all while simultaneously being the primary parent of two small children. I question myself near daily.
My own fears and anxiety - all just a shield of protection to keep a sense the illusion of homeostasis.
The fear of the unknown.
Of being mocked.
Of not measuring up.
Of not aligning.
Of being misunderstood.
My own ego creating falsities to keep me safe.
I live with anxiety - those who read my blog know this. So the constant fear isn’t anything new to me - but only in the third dimension, the current location of this human body of mine. However, the Records and more importantly - my soul, is asking for this surrender in order to reach the higher dimensions.
How am I supposed to get comfortable with surrendering?
Growth is never comfortable. But I feel that I am ready for the results of the necessary growth - so I better get comfortable with the discomfort. The initial discomfort of really truly surrendering.
When I hear my own ego:
“You are making things up - you’re a fraud”
“You are not creative”
“This is not you”
“Who do you think you are?”
Etc.
I will combat it with:
Words of affirmations and safety phrases.
Embracing the “here and now” by remembering static facts vs. what could be interpreted.
Rely on my inner voice more - and asking myself, “what do I need in this moment?”
Actually believing in myself fully.
In moments of questioning - question those thoughts directly.
Breathwork
Moving my body and feeding my body for nourishment to provide the most energetic support for self.
Taking the time I need to stay mindful.
I plan to embrace the unknown - the accept the things I cannot change - and to know that no matter what the outcome is - it is always with my best interest at heart.
I still remember being so frustrated with how A wouldn't take a bottle, which made it hard for me to schedule client calls around nursing sessions. It wasn't until I surrendered to her needs that I realized she—and the universe—were trying to tell me there was another way to showcase my talents to the world.
In short, I hear you with the initial frustration and the need for reassurance and words of affirmation and the faith needed to trust that what's being offered is exactly what we need in the moment.
Amazing reflection on what it means to surrender, and how challenging it can be. Here's to stepping into the unknown together and seeing what we find!